The house was quiet in a way I did not recognize.
Not peaceful – unnaturally still.
The restraining order created space, but it did not create relief. What it gave me first was silence so abrupt it felt disorienting. There was no noise to manage, no mood to track, no volatility to absorb. The constant vigilance that had shaped my days vanished overnight, and without it, my body did not know how to rest.
Safety, I learned, is not the same as calm.
In the days that followed, I moved through my own life as if it belonged to someone else. I slept lightly. I startled easily. I kept listening for sounds that never came. My mind replayed events I could no longer change, while my body remained braced for impact that did not arrive.
This is the phase people rarely talk about.
After escape comes disorientation. After safety comes grief. After control breaks, there is a vacuum where urgency once lived. I was no longer managing his emotions or negotiating outcomes – but I had not yet relearned how to occupy my own life without apology.
The relationship had ended.
The conditioning had not.
And recovery, I would learn, is not the absence of harm; it is the slow reclaiming of agency.
At night, I slept lightly, waking to imagined sounds. A door creaking. Footsteps that weren’t there. I learned the shape of my house in the dark, every shadow mapped in advance. I lived alert, even in stillness.
And yet, beneath the fear, something else was happening.
The noise was gone.
No messages demanding response. No emotional emergencies requiring immediate attention. No volatility waiting behind ordinary questions. No sense that my presence was required to stabilize someone else’s world.
For the first time in years, my energy belonged to me.
Between Stillness & Storm 