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When you survive something, you believe you are prepared for anything.

from the interstitial: What I Carried Forward

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I believed that understanding what had happened would protect me from repeating it.

I had language now. I could name patterns. I could see control when it appeared. I could recognize when love became conditional.

What I did not yet understand was this:

Insight does not dissolve attachment.

I did not carry him with me when I left. I carried the version of myself that learned to equate intensity with intimacy, endurance with devotion, and being chosen with being safe.

I told myself I was cautious now. What I was, in truth, was unhealed.

I did not walk into the next relationship unaware. I walked into it believing I was finally prepared.

Nothing could have prepared me for what came next.

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